There are some parents of autistic kids who wax poetically about how blessed they are to have a child on the spectrum. As if it is just the greatest thing.
Let me be clear in my opinion, that’s fucking bullshit. It is hard. Every day is hard. Every day is worry. Every day I worry about how The Boy is going to fit in and if he will ever have a ‘normal’ life. Are we doing everything we can for him? Will he ever have a girlfriend? Will he be able to live on his own, have a job and have real friendships?
This is kind of like saying you would rather have a child born blind than a child who is born sighted. Are you fucking crazy? Are you still blessed to have a child, regardless of whether they can see? Absolutely!
Autism should not take away from the joy of be a parent for that beautiful child. But I just cannot buy into the woo-woo bullshit of some people who are saying they are happy they have a neurodiverse child, as if that one defining characteristic is what makes them special. Except not a single one of them uses the word ‘happy’. It is always the word ‘blessed’.
The Boy Wonder happens to have autism. He is NOT autistic, he has autism. If you don’t understand the difference, think long and hard about it. Autism is not the only thing he is but when you have children with autism, we make it the single focus of that child’s life. WE PARENTS DO, not them. This subconsciously shapes our beliefs about who they are and what they can do.
About a year ago a friend from Nevada, Melissa, came to visit us. She is the one who used to work with me. He wanted something from her, I think it was a banana or some other food. She was holding it and said, “What do you want?”
I said, “He isn’t speaking in sentences yet, Mel”.
She didn’t even acknowledge me, just stood there and repeated it, “What do you want?”
To which he blurted out, “I want banana.” With a big grin on his face. Cheers all around.
My beliefs around what he is capable of doing were limiting him. I had begun thinking of him as ‘my autistic son’, not ‘my son who happens to have autism’. As I thought about this later I realized I had even begun introducing him as, ‘my autistic son’. This is the tiniest little thing but makes a monumentally huge difference in the way we treat our children. As we begin to singularly define them with this one trait of Autism everything else about them begins to pale.
This is a little bit like some people who get cancer and cancer becomes their defining trait in their life. “Hi I am Joan, a cancer survivor” was literally how someone introduced themselves to me, just the other day. Sure, that is part of her story and an important one but that is not all she is. Yet, some people find incredible significance by identifying themselves that way and I know she did because every conversation turned back to her cancer in some way.
I am the parent of a little boy. Who happens to have autism. But that is not his only characteristic, just one of many. These ‘blessed’ parents might simply be propping themselves up and using their child’s autism as a way to get attention, just like Joan, the cancer survivor.
More likely, they have now so closely identified with their child’s autism that being ‘blessed’ is the only avenue they can take because they don’t know how else to look at the situation. This vocabulary is a clear indication of the limiting mindset they have that will forever negatively impact their child. And THAT is fucking bullshit. Because you are standing the way of your child.
Being the parent of someone on the spectrum makes you look at life differently. I have to see it through The Boy’s eyes and what would be great for him. I have to say, I get some crazy cool insights this way and have had true epiphanies. I am grateful for these moments as well as other moments like when they look right at you and smile. Because those moments are rare with The Boy, I also cherish that same moment with Isabella.
In those moments do I feel blessed? Absolutely.
Am I ‘blessed’ because of Autism? No, I am blessed to have two incredible children.’
Like being the family’s IT tech support guy, this is not something I would have chosen. I would much rather have grown personally in another way instead of being forced by autism.
Good for you if you are happy your child is autistic. I don’t love The Boy any less because he has autism and I don’t love any more because of it. But given a choice? Yeah, fuck autism.
Rant over. You won’t read anything else about it in the entire book.
If you are offended, just close the book and be on your merry way
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