The last time I found him after an escape, he was standing at a busy intersection in only a yellow polo shirt, playing with his penis and watching the cars go by.
This capped a stunning two weeks when he was able to get out of the house and yard over four times without us knowing. Two of those times he was brought back to the house by do-gooders who saw him standing at the intersection watching traffic. Luckily he was dressed both times. Of course, he did not answer when these wonderful people when they tried to speak with him, just kept watching traffic. So, both times they brought him to the house as it is the only home nearby.
Let me try to describe our house.
It is strangely private even though we live right next to a very busy T intersection. Our driveway is just to the left on the top of the ’T’ so if you drive straight into the intersection from the long part of the ’T’, you pull right into our driveway.
To the right of our driveway is a creek. You would think that would be a bigger draw for a little boy but it doesn’t compare to traffic. I have been considering showing him the creek and getting him to play in it, but I am concerned he would escape even more!
To the right of the creek is a 6 foot wide bike path with a short railroad tie wall on the right side. On the other side of the wall is the back yards for a street of homes.
We have a large yard on the left of our house, which is fenced in completely and to the left of the fence is a parking lot for a building that has been empty for years.
In other words, our house, except for the busy street at the front, is very secluded.
Traffic at this intersection also includes lots of pedestrians and bicycles. There is a LOT to look at and certainly a draw for a little boy who is tired of his yard.
One time I was in the yard with him mowing the lawn when he escaped. The person who brought him back from the street had to wave me down to return him. He was at the street, of course, just watching the traffic. I have no idea how he got out but it can happen in an instant.
The inside of the house is just as problematic.
There are basically two homes built right next to one another and roughly connected. The original home was built in 1894 and the new addition was built in the 60’s. The new section of the home doesn’t even come close to matching the old part and it looks like someone just decided to put up some walls next to the old section.
The best part is that each part of the home is almost all original. The old part of the home still has the original wood floors, for example. I am pretty sure the original doors and even some of the windows upstairs are original. They are bubbly and wavy which makes everything look really cool when you look through them. There are some holes in the ceiling where ‘water grenades’ would go, which were the original type of fire extinguisher. There were still a bunch in the attic when we moved in, just hanging there.
The old part is completely square and made of local stone. The walls are almost two feet thick which means we could withstand any hurricane or tornado that may ever come our way. We don’t get either of those, but it is nice to know the original part of the home could withstand the zombie apocalypse.
The inside of the old part of the home is filled with beautiful crown moulding, transoms above the doors and other very cool features like the bannister on the stairs to the second floor. Unfortunately, some years ago, everything was painted bright white. Then painted again. And again. So all the original detail and beauty is covered up.
Because of the constructions, sound does not travel well which is pretty awesome. For an old house it is really quiet which is both surprising and pretty great. Except it’s not. When you yell for someone, no one can hear you. It hardly matters with The Boy because he doesn’t answer you even when he can hear you. But when you need help because you cannot find him, it would be nice if someone could hear you to help out. So, instead you get a lot of exercise running up and down the stairs trying to find him and trying to get help.
The new part of the house has a staircase too. So two staircases which is pretty cool. But it makes it really hard to find The Boy. He uses both equally so while you might be going up, he may be going down or vice versa. Like I said, exercise.
There is an eight foot fence around the entire yard that creates an amazingly secluded yard. You would think this would keep in a little boy but that just isn’t the case. He is devilishly clever and, if he wants something, he gets it. Like getting out of the yard.
Becoming a detective was never anything I was interested in but that is what I have become. Just trying to figure out how The Boy is getting out of the yard. In some cases, I would hide and stake out certain areas to watch and see how he was escaping.
Frank Morris, the man who escaped from Alcatraz, could have learned some tricks from The Boy. I found several places that I thought were 100% secure just by setting The Boy up. For example, I would leave through the front door and make him stay in side. The Boy is about adventure. If you are going somewhere, he wants to go too. I would then hide and watch as he ran through the house, through the doggie door and then attempt the escape.
Unfortunately, I could only get this to work from time to time. Some times he would get distracted by a dinosaur toy that he left on the ground and would forget all about adventuring with dad. Other times, he would catch me watching and start laughing as he thought we were playing hide and seek. That pretty much ruined my attempts for a few days as he would remember the game and catch me in my hiding spot.
One night my wife and I heard him crying. We both called out to him to come upstairs but he just kept crying. You get to know the cries of your child. Even when mixed in with other crying children, my wife could pick out his cry. Amazing ability that I attribute to having boobs. Boobs KNOW when the baby is crying when children are babies and somehow that slightly distinct sound that is different from every other child becomes and instant signal for moms. That is a man’s crude interpretation of how moms have this miracle ear and I am sure I am right.
Even I could tell the cries were not the normal cries so I hustled downstairs to see what was wrong. He was crying because he was on the OUTSIDE of the fence and could not get back in. I am not sure when he got out but it scared the crap out of me that he could have disappeared for a while without us noticing.
I know this sounds like we are terrible parents and maybe we are, but please don’t judge too harshly. It is impossible to keep track of him even 75% of the time.
The wonderful unintended consequence of him getting locked out of the fence is that he really did not like it at all. So, he has stopped trying to escape, for the most part.
I am simply hoping to keep him safe and have two workable strategies at the moment:
- The first is that he no longer wants out as much because of being locked outside the fence and
- Two, that he continues loving his penis so much that if he does escape, he will get distracted by playing with it long enough for someone to catch him before he runs into traffic. Totally workable, I think. I am open to ideas.
Facebook Comments